I have never truly discussed my personal feelings before especially about my anxiety. Every day of my life I would say I go through some form albeit minor form of social anxiety. It's strange. I will get up for school and feel nervous. I get butterflies in my stomach. But wait this isn't the first day of school. This is every day. Before I go into a grocery store I'm nervous. What's wrong with me? I always never could understand it. Is it some form of chemical imbalance? I try to think about it. I realize that I care too much about what people think about me, but at the same time I don't.
When I'm in class, I want to speak and participate in class so bad. However, my anxiety gets the better of me. If I do speak I make sure it's short, forgettable so no one notices. And if I begin to stutter or reveal my nervousness then forget about it. I will not speak for the rest of the semester. I can't help it. I've tried working on this and I will admit it as gotten much better. But this has been going on ever since I can first remember. Perhaps, ever since I started school. In middle school I was always the "quiet kid" then I remember in 8th grade I was the class clown. When I got to high school, I became the quiet and nerdy kid once again. I didn't mind that because I still had my friends. Although, I had very few friends who I actually hung out with outside of class. Today, I'm in college my anxiety is better and I don't think anyone even notices I'm nervous. But I am. My friends from high school all went off to college to other states and I don't really have any friends. I blame my awkwardness. I'll have acquaintances at school, but never someone to hang out with outside of class. I do have a boyfriend. Okay, lets move to the revelation part of this post.
I'm gay. I've been with two people in my whole life. Right now, I'm happy with my boyfriend. He's great. He makes me so happy. However, I can't help but wonder if I'm missing out on a life of friends. A college party or something. My boyfriend has a full-time job right now. We are both 21, but he decided to work and finish college next year. My parents are Muslim. They are good people. They used to be pretty liberal and they still are a little bit and I guess that's why I have so much free thought. I question everything. However, they are still religious. I have not told them I'm gay, but I know they would still love me if I told them. The reason I don't want to tell them is because I don't want to disappoint them. My sister got married last year and they were so happy. Hopefully, they'll get over the fact that I probably won't have the same experience. I mean I would love maybe someday getting married. Even though I hate society's idea of marriage and children, etc. I tend to wonder if my anxiety stems from me being gay and not being able to talk about it to anyone. Or is it because I live in Georgia and in most of my life I was pretty much the only non-white in the room. Well, my high school was pretty diverse and even college obviously. But I've noticed as I have gotten older that I see race more. I think because I care about what people think of me. I mean no one has treated me differently or said anything to my face. But I know what they're thinking. Sometimes I wish I could just be straight and maybe even be born in a typical American family. I feel like when I'm talking to anyone I just make sure to put a wall up to not continue the relationship because I'm afraid they don't want to be friends with me. Like I'm afraid of friend rejection. In high school I never joined a sports team or club and I wish I had. Even in college I never did, until now. I hoping things will get better.
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